Mommy guilt

Sugar and Spice tagged me on “Mommy guilt”..  Thanks SnS for tagging me on something that I never wanted to recollect 🙂

Tag rules

1. Write about 2 instances where you have put yourself before your child/ children… been a wee bit selfish.
2. How did you feel? Did you feel a pang of guilt or were you comfortable?
3. Tag 2 more moms

I drafted this post many times but every time I got lost in the pang of guilt with same intensity leading to mood swings leaving this post unattended for next few days.  Ok without much ado let me jump into the instances

1.  Its about the motherhood itself. It was unexpected. I got pregnant few months after my marriage and it was not a planned one.  It was not in my list at all. We had different set of priorities.  I can easily mark those days as the toughest period of my life so far.  There were so many painful heavily complicated incidents happened on those days that would have not happened if I was not pregnant.  Life would have taken a different path if I was not pregnant at that time.  It was quite an experience that I wish to forget but couldn’t. I have paid a huge price for my pregnancy that can never be recovered. I will pay for it all my life.  I sometimes fantasize about the other life secretly where I had it all planned.

Ok before this tag gets hijacked by a rant let me talk about how I handled it.  I would say I handled it pretty well. Though those were tough days I payed close attention to my baby.  I sacrificed coffee during first trimester (for those who know me its a big deal for me guys), religiously ate all that amma packed to my work. My food bag was bigger than my hand bag.  Amma had all those cute dabbas in which she will pack curd for calcium, date fruits for iron, sundal for protein, pomegranate juice, lunch with poriyal, kuttu, one big bottle of  boiled water et all.. God only knows on what time she woke up those days 4 or 4:30?. Then, I heard someone saying that baby will in future reflect all that you do on pregnancy days.  So, to develop the interests in my baby I listened to these vedas and mantras specially designed for expecting mothers. I gave a technical certification during my 9th month. Read “What to expect when you are expecting” every single day. Literally I was crazy and all that I had in mind was “Okay it has happened and now as a mother it is my duty to do the best for my baby” irrespective of the unpleasant happenings around me.  I took it I mean the pregnancy and motherhood as a very serious business though it happened at a wrong time.

2.  Being a working mom. Especially when I hear fellow SAHM friends talk about how they feed their kid freshly made hot food when the kid comes back home at 3pm, how they take break on summer and visit their parents/in-laws for months, how they take their kid to park whenever they feel like,  how they spend more time with their kid etc..  But, I would say its not a major guilt as I never compromise anything for Adi. What if I cannot feed hot food at 3pm? We reach home at 6pm and I feed her hot food at 8pm. We play together at home. We spend quality time. We go out on weekends.  Does it sound like am convincing myself? Yes, I have to convince myself as I have no choice 😦 Working and non working is a different post by itself and it has its own pros and cons. I would always prefer to work for my own reasons at the same time will patch up to my best to be a better mom by all means.

Phew this was the toughest post for me as it had rekindled my memory about those horrible days..

Now the passing part. Looks like most of you are already done with it. Okay I pass the tag to

ambulisamma – My forever blog mate.  AA – you can take this as you are now free from the biggest task I mean cooking.

AT – My recent blog mate who writes about her lil daughter Munchkin and other happenings in her life.

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Flower Power

Shruti – I dedicate this post to you..

Here is the craft for this month’s artsy craftsy challenge made by the crafty girl.  I just informed her that the theme for this month is “flowers” and got lost in the evening chores at home. She was at living room watching TV. I thought of making some flower craft with her before going to bed but she didn’t wait for me. At the 31st minute after I informed her the theme she came to the kitchen and gave these flowers to me in a filmy style 🙂 ( Okay may be not in filmy style but someone giving me flowers is very rare blame it on M so I assumed it that way 🙂 ).  I have no clue on how she made them.  Its time for me to just act as a messenger to carry her crafts to you.  I dedicate all her crafts to you and your super duper blog..

???* – Part 2

Part 1 is here.

Warning: Please to read Part 1 before going ahead otherwise you will miss the thrill that is very rare to find in this blog…

Where did I leave? Yeah she promptly replied “yes. I finished them all” and the very moment my heart just shattered into a zillion pieces.. Still there was a tiniest bit of hope sticking around and as I prepared myself to leave the room she called me out. For a split second I thought its my imagination considering my mental state and deeply expecting her to confess anytime. But, she called out again with an apologetic voice

Adi: “Amma actually I want to tell you something…

Me: With my heart beat settling down to normal I asked “Yes pappa what it is about?”

Adi: Its about the dates. I eat it everyday but just today I didn’t feel like eating so threw it in the garbage. Sorry amma

Am I not supposed to get mad for this? Instead I felt totally happy. I wanted to give her a tight hug but didn’t over react as I didn’t want her to know all that I have been through for past one hour.

Hiding the happy tears that were fighting their way down to my cheek and I replied “Its okay da pattumma. Please don’t throw it in garbage next time. Give it back to amma or appa. We can save it for later. Just keep in mind that we should not waste any kind of food. Okay?”

And she nodded heavily.. 🙂   Seriously she saved me big time and I was smiling at regular intervals for next few days. Sigh what a relief…

I am still wondering on how I would have handled this if she has not uttered those last few lines..  Your two cents please

* – The title of the post is “She is my girl”   😀 😀 😀   (can’t help it folks.. I am all teeth..)

???* – Part 1

* – Title of the post will be updated in Part 2.

On a Friday evening I fixed the snack for Adi with our typical formula. Two portions with my choices (supposedly healthy ;)) and two with her choices (supposedly junk) . I choose date fruit and mixed nuts for that day and she choose kisses choco and aloo bhujia.  She took the snack plate to living room and settled in couch to watch TV while munching the snack and I jumped into cleaning the house.  I can do all other weekend chores in peace if my house is clean.  Somehow cleanliness of the house has a direct connection to my state of mind.  I don’t know if this is good or bad anyways that’s altogether a different post rant.  Coming back to this topic around half an hour later I entered our bedroom to clean and found the two date fruit inside the temporary trash bag hanging on bedroom door knob.  That moment I was completely taken aback.  I sat on the bed for few mins to take in the situation and decided to handle it in a different way with her.  I continued with cleaning but with my mind going wild like

Why did she do this?
If I ask her did you finish all your snack? what will she reply?
How will I react if she says she ate the dates?
Did I force her to eat dates?
How long has this been going on?
Should I watch her actions?
Where did all the trust I have been building with her so long go?
What else is she hiding from me?
How am I going to handle this?

and a million other questions. This might be very trivial incident but I couldn’t accept the fact that she is hiding something from me.  She didn’t say NO to the dates. She took them happily with her to the living room and threw it silently in the garbage without my notice.  Why is she doing this? When it was time to clean living room I noticed her snack plate empty and casually (pretended to be casual) asked “did you finish ALL your snack? even dates too?  She replied with a prompt “yes. I finished them all”.

Wanna guess what happened next? Its coming up in part 2…

 

First grade update

First grade had started on a great note

Adi loves her new teacher. The first day evening she told me “you know mommy Mrs.B was as nervous as us because this is her first day as a teacher”.

And that night Adi said “Guys wake me up early tomorrow. School is fun. I don’t want to miss the fun”.

We had a tea party at home on the first weekend after school started to celebrate first grade.  Here is a front view and bird’s eye view of the party table. Adi set the table all by herself… Tell me how much you can identify from this list

1. Baby sleeping on a bed.
2. Baby’s basket with her lotion, hair brush etc..
3. Egg kathi roll (real one – dinner for us)
4.  Guests (Bambi, Crystal, Mrs.Penguin and Mr.Dolphin)
5. Chapathi pizza (real one real one – dinner for Adi)
6. Tea/Coffee pot – The idea is you have to shake it to get either tea or coffee.
7. Soup on bowls
8. Cakes
9. Coffee/Milk/Sugar cubes
10. Adi’s hands 😉

Okay 6 to 9 – We were asked to assume.

We attended “Back to school” night last week and had a tour of her class. Her new teacher is awesome. We had an ice breaker waiting at the class room. We were asked to identify the picture drawn by our kid. I found it at the very first look there it was the typical picture of Adi at the corner with bright sun on right top corner, clouds, grasses down, with two small plants with flowers, with a small girl with two kudumi’s (pony tails) ,favorite food written as “Pizza” and favorite song as “You belong with me”. That is my girl.  On a side note we love singing Taylor Swift’s this song together. I don’t know how much of the lyrics this girl understands but we were caught by the tune.

The kids left us a welcome note at their desk and we were asked to leave a reply to them. I drew some hearts, flowers and wrote as much as I can with all my love,  folded it and kept on her desk.  Next day evening she gave me a big hug for that sweet note :).. She asked “mommy why did you just draw with the pen? you could have used my crayons under the desk”. Yeahh she got a separate desk and table this year. It was a lovely moment to sit on her chair for a while.. The teacher explained us the class rules, daily schedules, what to expect this year et all.

This year after school activities include dance, music, art, lego, chess, soccer, karate, French and Spanish. Dance and Music (Piano) are checked by default but we haven’t decided about the other classes. I am thinking of art but need to discuss with Adi about her likes.

With reading her recent obsession is Cam Jansen mysteries. She assumes herself as Cam sometimes to solve the missing cases at home 🙂 These days she has it as part of her every day homework to spend 15 minutes on reading.

Last but not the least we have improved way above our standards on morning routine of course after few ups and downs. We managed to reach school by 8:27am on two days and guess what both the days assembly started at 8:25am and the girl eventually missed it.  But, these days she is attending assembly on most days and that is a BIG leap for us as a family.  What with 7 signals to cross though the school is hardly a mile away from home?  Hoping to soon change the “most days” as “every day”. The secret is I have pushed some of my cooking preparations to previous day night and Adi/M are waking up earlier that means she goes to bed early too. Its such a big relief for me to see the girl at bed by 9pm. Its that time of the year again to just work as well oiled machines…

Orlando Trip – Part 3

 

Warning : Long post ahead…. I kept up my promise. This is the last post in this series..

Part 1 is here, Part 2 is here 

30 Aug – We started the day by visiting  Epcot.  This theme park was divided into two sections Future World and World Showcase. The one Adi enjoyed the most was the Character Spot where she met, hugged, greeted, got autograph and took pictures with all of her favorite characters like Daisy, Mickey, Minnie, Pluto, Donald duck,  Goofy and Max that too all at one spot… It was a good start for the day. Other than this we rode attractions like Spaceship Earth , Soarin and Test Track.  If you happen to visit Epcot don’t miss the rides Soarin and Test Track.  I liked them. By this time it was around noon. We decided to skip World Showcase section and drove to Blizzard beach water park.  I begged and touched the father daughter duo’s feet to board them into a family white-water raft ride. After that they spent rest of the time happily at kiddie pool and wave pool where as I gave up begging these guys and ventured out to try body slide rides, toboggan rides and double dippers on my own. Water parks close at 6pm so we headed back to resort after 6pm, took some rest and returned to Epcot around 8pm to see its night time mesmerizing fireworks. The parks and resort were hardly ten minutes away by drive so it was pretty easy to hop provided you rent a car.  Returned back to resort around 10pm, played in arcade till 11pm (we would have played for more time but arcade closes at 11 😦 ) and called it a day…

31 Aug – Today the plan was to visit Animal Kingdom, Typhoon Lagoon water park and Disney downtown.  Phew the whole trip was running,running, running and more running around. Kilimanjaro Safari experience was awesome. A Giraffe was blocking our way for a while :). Adi got a chance to touch and brush goats at affection section, then we watched jungle parade at 3pm and swiftly drove to Typhoon lagoon water park. Unfortunately it was raining on that day with thunderstorms and the water rides were closed temporarily every now and then.. The worst that happened to me was I waited in line for 30 odd minutes and when it was my turn and I was all set to slide down the ride assistant told me that ride is closed and I had to step out !!!!!!!!!! I don’t have to talk about my luck do I? M and Adi didn’t have any issues as they were again happy with the kiddie pool. We left the water park after they closed at 6pm and drove to Downtown Disney for the evening.. Adi again played at a game arcade till she was bored and then we returned to resort earlier than other days, had dinner at resort cafe and hit the sack..

1 Sep – The last day of the trip. We revisited Magic Kingdom, greeted princesses Cinderella, Belle, Aurora, played our favorite rides again and drove to Blizzard beach in the afternoon. At this water park rides were closed due to weather (I hated these thunderstorms) and reopened almost after one hour. Had a relaxing time till 6pm and drove off to the resort to have dinner. Now comes the “pramadham” (superb) ending…

The return flight’s scheduled departure time was 9:30pm. Till 7:45pm we were at the resort. I seriously don’t understand till date on what made us to be so lethargic.. We left the resort at 7:45pm, took an exit on the way to fill gas and reached airport rental car return center at 8:30pm.  Dumped packed all small stuffs and last minute items into check-in baggage, rearranged some items in hand luggages and reached ticket counter at 8:50pm. Ahh there was no line (how can there be a line at 8:50 for a 9:30 flight?) but the lady at the counter was even more lethargic and after 5 mins we found that check-in baggage weighed 60 pounds. blamed our wet clothes and again all reshuffling happened till 9:05pm. She finally handed over the boarding pass to us at 9:10 and asked us to try our luck. We climbed sorry took elevator to 5th floor (but believe me it had the same mental effect as climbing I mean with the last minute tensions), rushed to security check-in, pleaded everyone in line one by one to let us step forward, boarded a shuttle and reached gate 5 at 9:25 (infact a minute earlier) all this with both of us dragging two hand luggages each and Adi in half sleepy state. did we get into the flight? what do you think?

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No we didn’t. They just closed the boarding and we saw the flight through glass window all set to leave.  The very first experience of missing a flight.  Poor little girl was frightened to the most. The next available option was to take the flight next day morning with additional fee that too 1 of us at 8am flight to EWR airport and other two at 8:30am flight to JFK airport. Our check-in baggage was already transported to the flight we were supposed to board.  We were redirected to a different counter and the lady at that counter said she will give us confirmed tickets for the 8/8:30 flights and place us on stand-by for a 6 am JFK flight. She said there are chances to get 3 seats in 6 am flight and some would miss early morning flight like us expect the fact that we missed it at not-so-early-or-not-so-late-hours. It was already 10:30 pm by the time we sorted out all this and we decided to stay back at the airport itself. Adi was sitting on a chair with a paavam face all this time hugging her new friend Mrs. Penguin. I was able to very easily read the fear in her face. Her fear was later  shown out as questions she asked “mommy are we safe?”, “If daddy decides to come alone will he be okay?” “what if he misses that flight again?” “will one of you guys hug me pleasee?”, “will you be with me always mommy?”.. We settled on one corner, I called my office to inform that I will be late to work the next day, M started his work and calls right away with the free WiFi at airport.  Adi slept on the carpeted floor with her backpack as pillow and I sat next to her patting her until she went into deep sleep.. It was okay except for the brimming lights and a loud announcement every 5 mins reminding that Orlando International Airport is a non-smoking airport and they appreciate our co-operation. Who would need this message at midnight? Both of us didn’t sleep a bit and we were at the gate at 4:45am for the 6am flight.  There were few standbys already waiting before us 😦 .. Again the pleading continued M pleaded to his best and I was praying on the other side. Our prayers were finally answered at 5:50 am after everyone boarded the flight. We got 3 seats at last row and the next minute we were sitting at the seats. who would miss again? Reached JFK airport around 9:30 am, took a taxi and reached home around 11 am. M and Adi stayed back home and I got refreshed and reached office around noon at the right time for lunch… Later the day M went to EWR airport to collect our check-in baggage.

So, how was the ending? wouldn’t you call this as a Navarasa trip ?

What did we do on the long weekend that followed? We slept, slept, slept and slept more….

If you are reading this thanks a lot for tolerating this series.. thanks again.. you are freed now 🙂

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Orlando Trip – Part 2

Part 1 is here

27 Aug – Today our plan was to visit Sea World. We watched enough of shamus, dolphins,  sharks, whales, walruses, penguins, flamingos, different color jelly fishes and stingrays for the day… There was paddle boat that is my all time favorite but we couldn’t go as it was closed due to weather condition 😦 my luck is very famous.. And hey we saw “kanagambaram” flower at Sea world. You can see the orange flower in pictures below.. In the evening Adi played in sand box to her hearts content and then we watched shamu show and called it a day.

28 Aug – Checked out of the hotel and drove to Disney world that was around 20 miles away.  The resort check-in line was too long so we decided to drive to the theme park and come back and check-in at night.  The first day at Disney was spent on Magic kingdom. Its not like the other park where you park the car and walk to entrance. From parking lot you have to take a tram to ticket center and then take a monorail or ferry boat to reach the park entrance.  We entered the park around 12pm and stayed back till 12am as we were entitled to use the extra magic hours from 9pm to 12 am that is exclusive for people who choose to stay in Disney resorts.  The park has been split into different lands. We spent most of our time at Fantasyland and Tomorrowland as we had plans to visit this park one more day. Adi’s favorite rides were “Dumbo the flying elephant” , “Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin” and “Speedway“.  The 3pm parade was cancelled at last minute due to weather conditions blame it on my luck 😦 but we watched the 9pm “Wishes Nighttime Spectacular” fireworks show. It was brilliant is the least to say. Returned to All star movies disney resort around 1am. Checked in and hit the sack at 2am.

29 Aug – We planned park visits based on the extra magic hours. Today it was Hollywood Studios that had magic hours from 10pm to 1am. Reached the park around 9:30 am and spent rest of the day around till 11pm watching different shows,  riding on selected attractions and of course dumping snacks and food at regular intervals. We watched live shows like “Beauty and the beast“, “Lights, Motors, Action extreme stunt show with cars” (Lightning McQueen was at his best) and  “Indians Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular”. Adi’s favorite ride at this park was “Toy Story Midway Mania” and believe it or not the average wait time for this ride was 90 minutes even at extra magic hour.  This was a 3D shooting game. We missed live finale show of “American Idol Experience”  due to bad timings.  We were third in line to get into auditorium and the lady said “auditorium is full” 😦 and I got ear full from M and Adi.. So, after this experience we reached the amphitheater at 7:30 pm for the 8:30 pm Fantasmic show and watched the crowd in awe as the theater was half full at 7:30 pm. Looks like there are crazy people than us.. Reached hotel half past 11pm and fell on the bed literally..

Please bear with my travel tales people next post will be last in this series 🙂

To be continued…

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First grade – first day

Today my little girlie (not anymore) is starting first grade.  Time sure flies.

I wish her a great year ahead and hope she learns more and discovers some of the unknown chapters of this life in next one year.  Its a bliss to hear them when they discover something like “movies/characters are not real”, “the importance of money”, “time differences” etc.. She starts like this with full excitement “you know mommy….” and we respond with “wow is it !!!!”

I wish her a smooth transition and be much more brave and strong in accepting changes.  I know she will as this girl who was scared of new teacher, new friends , new classroom et all till we reached school campus started cheering some of her weeping friends once she saw them.  They all wanted to go back to their Kindergarten teacher. Adi held each one of them with both hands on either side of their shoulder, bent down to meet their face and spoke to them in a polite tone.. All I could see was as she spoke her friends were nodding back to her. I was overwhelmed to observe this from a distance.

I wish her to make new friends and have a fun filled year as she prayed this morning.  I made her do a “namaskaram” (worship) to god before leaving the house and when asked what she prayed she said “I prayed to make new friends and have fun. just one fun a day”.. This “just one fun a day” was an addendum to please me or in other words to escape from my lecture about what school is intended to be for 🙂

I wish her to accept defeats and keep going instead of just declaring after one defeat that “this is not for me”

I wish her more and more and more…. Wishing you a blast (as you say recently for everything) da pattumma..

P.S: First grade at least first day did not do any trick on us. We are still late to school. Today we were late by 5 mins. We reached school at 8:35am but luckily there was no assembly as class allocations were going on..  Hoping to improve!!!!!!!!

 

Orlando Trip – Part 1

We are back safe and sound from Orlando trip. A big thanks to all my friends who wished us a great trip.. It was a trip to cherish for rest of our life. I would tag this as a navarasa trip as it had delight, laughter, anger, fear, wonder, peace and what not.. The finishing touch of the trip was “pramadham” (Superb).. you are just few minutes away from knowing the details 🙂

25 Aug – Both of us worked from home, packed luggage and food for next one day, turned the house upside down in the process and was ready to leave by 5pm.   Adi kept her backpack and car seat near the door with the note “Things for Adi to carry for the disney trip ->” so she doesn’t miss anything. . We had two hand baggages each + one big check in baggage and a stroller (god only knows on what we packed in them)…. Flight’s scheduled departure time was 6:30 pm but it took more than five hours for the flight to get in terms with weather and finally took off at 11:55 pm.. At least it took off we thought the flight will be cancelled any minute because of Irene threat.

26 Aug – We reached Orlando Intl. Airport around 2 am, rented a mid sized car from airport and reached hotel around 3am. Slept for few hours and stepped out around 8:30 am to the first spot. It was Universal Studios – Islands of Adventure. My main interest was the Wizarding World of Harry Potter but we ended up spending more time at Seuss Landing.  I and Adi were delighted to see the giant sized truffula trees, horton sitting on the branch, thing 1, thing 2 and the cat in the hat.. At Harry Potter area Adi joined me for the scariest (as she claims till date) Harry potter and the forbidden journey ride. It  is a dark ride and this being our first day even I was scared as well. Adi shouted her lungs out until I suggested shouted back to close her eyes as I did in sharp twists and turns.  After the ride she declared that she would not get into any ride that requires fastened seat belt :). She also suggested that I have to go for the ride first and based on my feedback she would consider the ride. She is one safe girl I say.

I don’t have to talk about M’s experience with rides as he is worse than Adi. The father and daughter duo called Caroussel as roller coaster and they were pretty much happy with that. I had to follow different tricks every time to board push these two into a ride.. As we approach a ride they will follow me closely and listen as I get a verbal confirmation from the ride assistant that ride doesn’t have any sudden twist or turn or drop and what not, that it is safe for a 6 year old, that it is safe for a 6 year old’s father and then decide on whether to take the ride or not… By this time 10 families would have joined the line. The most frequent word I used in this trip was “kashta kalam” (Eng : blaming my fate)… To our surprise we were done early on first day and retired early I mean very early at around 8 pm and had a sound sleep…

To be continued…

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