Mommy guilt

Sugar and Spice tagged me on “Mommy guilt”..  Thanks SnS for tagging me on something that I never wanted to recollect 🙂

Tag rules

1. Write about 2 instances where you have put yourself before your child/ children… been a wee bit selfish.
2. How did you feel? Did you feel a pang of guilt or were you comfortable?
3. Tag 2 more moms

I drafted this post many times but every time I got lost in the pang of guilt with same intensity leading to mood swings leaving this post unattended for next few days.  Ok without much ado let me jump into the instances

1.  Its about the motherhood itself. It was unexpected. I got pregnant few months after my marriage and it was not a planned one.  It was not in my list at all. We had different set of priorities.  I can easily mark those days as the toughest period of my life so far.  There were so many painful heavily complicated incidents happened on those days that would have not happened if I was not pregnant.  Life would have taken a different path if I was not pregnant at that time.  It was quite an experience that I wish to forget but couldn’t. I have paid a huge price for my pregnancy that can never be recovered. I will pay for it all my life.  I sometimes fantasize about the other life secretly where I had it all planned.

Ok before this tag gets hijacked by a rant let me talk about how I handled it.  I would say I handled it pretty well. Though those were tough days I payed close attention to my baby.  I sacrificed coffee during first trimester (for those who know me its a big deal for me guys), religiously ate all that amma packed to my work. My food bag was bigger than my hand bag.  Amma had all those cute dabbas in which she will pack curd for calcium, date fruits for iron, sundal for protein, pomegranate juice, lunch with poriyal, kuttu, one big bottle of  boiled water et all.. God only knows on what time she woke up those days 4 or 4:30?. Then, I heard someone saying that baby will in future reflect all that you do on pregnancy days.  So, to develop the interests in my baby I listened to these vedas and mantras specially designed for expecting mothers. I gave a technical certification during my 9th month. Read “What to expect when you are expecting” every single day. Literally I was crazy and all that I had in mind was “Okay it has happened and now as a mother it is my duty to do the best for my baby” irrespective of the unpleasant happenings around me.  I took it I mean the pregnancy and motherhood as a very serious business though it happened at a wrong time.

2.  Being a working mom. Especially when I hear fellow SAHM friends talk about how they feed their kid freshly made hot food when the kid comes back home at 3pm, how they take break on summer and visit their parents/in-laws for months, how they take their kid to park whenever they feel like,  how they spend more time with their kid etc..  But, I would say its not a major guilt as I never compromise anything for Adi. What if I cannot feed hot food at 3pm? We reach home at 6pm and I feed her hot food at 8pm. We play together at home. We spend quality time. We go out on weekends.  Does it sound like am convincing myself? Yes, I have to convince myself as I have no choice 😦 Working and non working is a different post by itself and it has its own pros and cons. I would always prefer to work for my own reasons at the same time will patch up to my best to be a better mom by all means.

Phew this was the toughest post for me as it had rekindled my memory about those horrible days..

Now the passing part. Looks like most of you are already done with it. Okay I pass the tag to

ambulisamma – My forever blog mate.  AA – you can take this as you are now free from the biggest task I mean cooking.

AT – My recent blog mate who writes about her lil daughter Munchkin and other happenings in her life.

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