It has to get better-2

Read this before reading this post

Unfolding next day:

5:30am – A call from other side of the world woke me up at 5:30am. Looking at the name, I could guess the news. It was my cousin’s husband and he got placed in a suitable job. He has been searching for a suitable job for few months now. All I told him was “Irundha ponnu-kku etha mappillai” (Its a popular saying in Tamil. Rough translation – Best bridegroom for a long awaited bride)

6:00am – A message from my friend that her cousin is showing good signs of improvement and she will fully recover with few months of care. We all were very much worried as her eyesight was affected. The word “fully recover” put my mind in peace.

9:00am – Breakfast with two VP women leaders at work along with other women co-workers. It was a great session to hear about their journey and no better way to start the day.

10:00am – Had 1-1 with my leader and he shared the news about my annual rating and plans for 2020. A satisfactory discussion overall.

12:00pm – Monthly all hands meeting and I was awarded for being culture conductor in my organization. Pleasant surprise and I got our mascot plush doll as a gift

2:00pm – Ate cheese cake a big slice for dessert after a scrumptious lunch.

After this I seriously started praying that the day should just end soon as I want to remember this day as a happy day!

5:15pm – Picked up LHB, fed him healthy dinner/boiled egg and dropped at his class. This made me happy as everything went as planned and we had fun time while doing all this.

6:15pm – Made masala chai for myself after many many months and had a good 30 minutes chat with M while kids were in their respective classes.

7:00pm – Picked up the kids and took them to cold stone ice cream shop to threat them for Children’s day. I had great time though Adi was constantly cribbing that this is not a good idea as she has to study for two tests. I kept embarrassing her at the store by repeatedly saying “Happy children’s day betas”. I call them “beta” when I am extremely happy 🙂 LHB and I were hiding inside the store and surprised Adi when she entered. Small joys!!

9:00pm – Wrapped up kitchen and went to bed early in the fear of not jinxing the happy day!

Look at the difference in mood between two consecutive day. I had no idea about how these two days will unfold when the week started. So, if you are having a low day please stay strong and keep up for the table will turn very soon! I understand its easier said than done but trust me!

 

Advertisement

It has to get better

Just remember this whenever you have a bad day or hear bad news. It has to get better and that is how nature balances it so hang in there!

In the past 10 days I have heard about 4 losses. They all have lived life to the fullest still I was mourning deeply as each one of them have an impact on who I am today.

On Tuesday night, LHB and I was playing connect4 just before bedtime and he suddenly lost balance and fell off the high rised bed with head hitting the carpet and landedon the floor with a big back flip. He was shell shocked and just curled up in the bed. Thankfully he wasn’t visibly hurt, we checked him thoroughly and went to sleep but I couldnt sleep that night. The visuals of him falling down and the after shock look of his face kept flashing in my mind and I wasn’t sure how the next day is going to unfold. What if he was internally hurt? What if the school calls in middle of the day to report that he is unwell? Will my Life be the same again? The mind is at constant fear these days!!!

I couldnt control my thoughts and dozed off just before the dawn. I had to go to work next day so woke up soon after and went ahead with regular chores. Adi left to school at 650am. I kissed the little boy and left to work at 7am. I was very restless that day and left work early. Same day I heard about my friend’s cousin being admitted in hospital and kept in ICU. I was not myself until I saw the little boy. I picked him up and we drove straight to temple. It was a divine visit as there was not much crowd and my heart was filled with peace looking at the little boy praying to every God with utmost focus. He did thoppukarams to Pillayar. I broke down while praying but had a huge sense of satisfaction upon return.

Had a sound sleep that night hugging the little boy, thanking God for not shaking my life.

I was woken up next day at 530am by a phone call from other side of the world…. This post turned out longer than I expected so will write about my next day in next post!!

Blessed

Woke up on a lazy Sunday morning to see a text from my neighbor. She left french vanilla flavored coffee powder at my front porch just because I told her that is my favorite when we met last time.

Last night she surprised us with hot hot zucchinni pie and banana bread straight from her oven to my kitchen table.

Life is good and I am counting my blessings!!

Summer ends and School begins

It is first day of school today. The older is stepping into 10th grade (they call it Sophomore year) and the younger is stepping into 1st grade. I am working from home today and the home is so quiet and empty.

This summer, we didn’t do anything fancy. Kids just stayed home with grandparents and the four of them being at home all the time kept the home fully alive. There is always something going on

LHB’s summer at a glance:

Ammachi (that is how kids call Amma), did you see the TV remote?

Thatha, thanni venum (can you get me some water?)

Ammachiiiii, don’t use the mixer now. I can’t hear anything from the TV!!!

Thatha, its bad to watch laptop in the morning. Close it NOW!

Ammachi, paal (can you get me some milk?)

Guys, who is working from home tomorrow?

Ammachi, dish washer clean-a? (when he wants to grab a cup for water or a bowl)

Ammachi, can you switch off the cooker? It’s disturbing!!!

Ammachi, innikku diiner-ku enna panareenga (what are you cooking for dinner tonight?)

M have installed wireless plugs in main rooms to control the power via phone. He has set a schedule to turn off family room by 9pm and it needs to be manually turned on the next day. This is how LHB demands to turn it ON next day as TV is in family room

Appppaaaa, turn on the TV NOW, or else I am going to eat you!!!

LHB calls me while I am at work in middle of a call and goes on and on and on about how Thatha is not behaving, how he litters and how he sneezes without a tissue!! He starts “Ammmaaa can you hear me? You know what Amma, you know, Thathaaa…..”

He will visit basement office room at least 10 times in a day when one of us WFH. I have trained him to whisper or make gestures to ask if I am in a call and if I am on mute before he starts talking. The way he does that is uber cute.

He would have called out for more Ammachi and Thatha than Appa and Amma in this summer and that is exactly how I have dreamed summer to be for my children. If not all summer, at least one was made possible. I am a happy bean (Oh Adi is into this phase to call everything a bean and I am an influenced mother)

In the last two weeks, he made friends with the high school boys living next door and started messaging them using iPad inviting them to play. They had few play sessions shuttling between the homes and jumping in trampolines. Adi was astonished as she was so hesitant to even say a Hi while this guy was rocking the show 🙂

Today is many first for LHB:

• First day going in school bus all by himself
• First day taking home packed lunch (I hope he handles the dabba well). We practiced opening and closing the dabba a few times at home but still I am nervous
• First day going to public school system

Its new school for both of them and they have to build everything from scratch! It sucks! Hope they will have a wonderful school year.

Why do I yearn for alone time when they are around and miss them terribly when they are not around? Can’t wait for them to come home and share all stories.

Adi’s lunch

LHB’s lunch/snack (Pasta/Apples/Grapes)

Adi boarding bus (that’s another enthu dad taking pic to embarass his kid)

LHB boarding bus (the last guy. why rush?)

LHB’s school (I went to school few mins after the bus left to just witness, enjoy and breathe the first day air at school 🙂

Hiking

A dream come true that turned into a happy memory. The kids and I went for hiking in local park last week. Hope to make this a frequent family hike if I succeed in getting the clan out of the home on weekend mornings.

We went on the smallest 0.5 mile trail and pretty much rushed through it for multiple reasons.

reason #101 – It was our first time going inside the woods
reason #202 – M couldn’t join us. It was just me and the kids
reason #303 – We were scaredy cats pretending to be brave

Nevertheless, I was happy with the attempt made and kids loved it

 

 

Dementia

Adi is heavily involved in volunteering this summer and so are we as we have to handle all drop/pickups and adult supervision part if it.

She has been volunteering at many places like soup kitchen, kiddie camps, senior citizens home, temple, community events et all. Today afternoon she was volunteering at senior centre and we were talking about that experience on the way back home.

Amma: Pappa, how was the experience at senior centre today?
Adi: It was good ma. I got to dance with them and keep them engaged. The seniors love it when kids spend time with them.
Amma: That’s sweet. Now, tell me something. Will I also end up in a senior centre like this in my old days?
Adi: NO, that centre is only for seniors with Dementia!!
Amma: So, what if I get dementia?
Adi: That’s absolutely not possible.
Amma: How can you be so sure?
Adi: ‘Coz I say so, ‘coz you have to remember way too many things on everyday basis so you cannot afford to get dementia
Amma: Like?
Adi: My schedule, LHB class times, your work priorities, house keeping tasks, my drop/pickup times, our school needs. You maintain the calendar of events for everyone at home sooo yes you absolutely cannot afford to have Dementia
Amma: (mind voice) At least someone in the family is acknowledging all the juggling that Amma is handling day in and day out.
Adi (in a firm voice after few minutes of silence): So, yes Amma, I am right. You cannot afford to have Dementia. Period.

We often think kids don’t understand our struggles but it is not true. They watch us very closely. So, better to be mindful of our actions in their presence. The easiest way to follow it is just change into the person we want them to watch through their eyes.

Same day night at 10pm:

I settle down in couch to carry on with my work demands. I ask Adi for three help thinking she will oblige given she understands my everydya struggles. The 3 help was to get my laptop/charger, get me a lap pillow and plug the charger into nearest plug point as the night is going to be long. I had minimum 4 hours of work waiting for me. She got me the laptop/charger and walked away in spite of  my repeated pleading to just plug in the charger. How am I expected to react to this? Can you expect this from a child on the same day after having a conversation like above? She just went to bed. LHB came down the stairs to plug the charger, gave me a big hug saying “you are the best amma” and left. Kids surprise us at the least expected time!!!

 

 

Hopefully back

Finally, I chose to write this post over taking a nap during my 1.5 hours long bus commute. Because I thought getting this post out would make me feel much more better than taking a nap as I wanted to come back to this space for quite some time now.

There is so much happening in life now and the thought to share it with you all brushes through my mind every single day but the only way I can do that is by shortening my sleep time of the day. Unfortunately I can’t do that as I am not one of those blessed souls who can function normal with 5 or 6 hours of sleep. I need my 8 hours of dose or else I will end up yawning non stop in middle of work meetings!!!

We moved last week to a bigger home. Its 3 times bigger than current home with huge front yard, back yard and pool. That also comes with this humongous effort and attention it requires for initial setup and maintenance.  Add to that work has taken a whole new demanding level for both M and myself. Movers were coming in on a Friday morning and I had to be at work till 7:30pm the previous day. That demanding!!! M takes his daily calls as early as 530am and I end my calls as late as 8pm every other day. Most of the days are filled with back to back calls that needs attention for both of us.

I count my blessings in the form of parents. They are here to help us through this transition phase and stay with kids through this summer.

I took 3 days off after the move to set up kitchen, bathroom and clothes. Amma took over the kitchen (I can’t be more thankful to her), M is working on handling all exterior needs (lawn maintenance, pool setup, electrical needs and the list is endless) , Appa to the best of his ability handles LHB and his constant tantrums (they go for walk, play chess and ride bike around the neighborhood) and Adi is having her own busy schedule for this summer. We all are doing our best. “Team work dream work” is in full swing at our household now.

My one way commute to work is 2 hours if all my stars are aligned. Today the train to reach bus station was suspended and I am still on my way back. Today’s evening commute is just about 3.5 hours!!

I still have things to move from old home and clean it for the next occupant. There is a whole bunch of To do’s crying for attention. I think I can handle them all better if I can wake up a little early in the morning but I am not able to 😦

My summer is going to be hectic with settling down in new home, handling work demands and working around Adi’s schedule. I will at least feel at peace if I can unpack all the stuff and find a designated place for the items that are laying around.

Now that I am back, will try to record some moments here. I truly miss this place.

How are you all? Any interesting plans for this summer?

Our nest now:

 

2019 – What to expect

In 2019 – I am expecting two BIG, yes really big changes in life. We as a family have decided to take our chances and risk. Until 6 months ago, we didn’t even think about this change in our distant dream. Hope it will all turn out good. Its too early to write about it here. Will keep you all updated when the right time comes. Please wish us the best!

2019

• will be spent in adapting to these two BIG changes.
• A planned medical need (hope it will all go well)
• And if there is one other thing I am concerned about, its LHB’s academic progress. Though I keep reminding myself that he is a late bloomer and it is okay if he doesn’t excel in academics. I am happy as long as he is healthy, has good appetite, continues to be a happy boy and being social. I happened to read my old posts about Adi when she was 5 years old and man this boy is no way closer to it! I know, I know no comparison!! It is really okay if he cannot write his last name yet, can’t do skip by counts or remember that Tamil poem. it is right? I think so but the mommy brain you know better how it works!! Sighh!!!

Why don’t

people understand that it is easier to say “don’t do it” or ask “who asked you to do it?” than to stand by the person who does it. Can’t you support rather than criticize? But, life is not fair right? How many more times do I have to keep reminding myself?

I have been a fighter all my life with my own challenges and may proudly say that I stood by my values so far even when my ground was shaken. If there is one thing that I fail miserably it is to lose my cool to my offsprings when I am stressed. Is there a better way to handle it? It hurts more when I know that they are not the reason behind my stress. Especially with Adi it doesn’t work any more to lose my cool and then apologize. She just gives a short stare that hits me straight with “how does it matter to apologize now? the damage is already done” and she is not that little girl any more to forget the incident and come hug me after some time like LHB does.. I feel like I am losing her and if this persists will lose LHB also very soon.. It hurts more when I realize that I am not able to give my best to the two souls that is the world to me!! I am trying…

And if I may mention a second thing that I fail miserably, it is to not waste my tears for unworthy people. I cry more when I feel helpless or the situation drains all my energy out!

Why do people complicate life and relationships so much? Why can’t they be compassionate, considerate and have some empathy around their surroundings? Something that I will never understand!!

It is past midnight and I have to wake up early tomorrow. Still, thought I can regain some of my sanity if I pour it all out here. Thank you for reading and ignore this rant!!

Happy Vinayakar Chathurthi 2018

Its almost going to strike 12am and I woke up at 4:30am today. Still just couldn’t go to bed without publishing this post.

Please accept my sincere apologies for not replying to all your lovely comments and wishes in earlier post. I will get to them very soon.

Happy Vinayakar Chathurthi to all my readers.

Thanks to Amma for making the Kozhukattai and sundal so I could focus on making of Ganesha. Adi the high schooler is already busy so I made this Ganesha.

Inspired from me, LHB made this Ganesha and decorated almost same as mine 🙂 To me it looked like a pillayar resting with his hand as support to his head on the right and stretching his legs to the left 🙂 And I have no idea what he drew on that paper. Will ask him tomorrow morning. The kids were off to sleep before I returned from Adi’s back to school night. Oh that deserves a separate post 🙂

The little boy’s tantrums has definitely come to a control with parent’s presence. Big thanks to them.