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This week

Yesterday evening I had to wait in station for about 20 minutes to be picked up and that 20 minutes was close to living in hell as M was not reachable (he left the phone at home and was on road with kids, dropping Adi at a class and coming to pick me up). Would he have been caught by the police? Would they have met with an accident? Did anyone get sick? Are they rushing to ER? With these train of thoughts I stood there in the cold feeling helpless with tears flowing down my cheeks.

Unfortunately it has to happen at that time of the year when all I want to do is just curl up in a corner hoping for this week to pass through quietly. The memories from the past about this week is haunting me every second and makes me weak. I don’t know if I will ever be able to reconcile with those terrifying memories. It is this week I fear everything around me. I fear if I get a call, I fear if I don’t get a call for a prolonged time, I fear if family is not reachable, I fear everything around me and the mind is on a constant turmoil. Wish there is a better way to deal with this!!!

On a lighter note, this is every other day scene when I return from work and board car

(LHB is sitting quiet in his car seat)
Amma: Hi Kutti (without turning my head)
**No response**
Amma: Whoever is Amma’s kutti can say “yes Amma”
**No response**
Amma: Hi Kutti!!!
**No response**
Amma: Oh looks like my kutti is not here.. Hmm.. I miss my kutti
LHB:  (shouting) YEESSS Amma

Love you da!!

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Weekend – Part 2

Part 1

***rant alert***

When I returned home, the house (living room – first sight as you enter) was at its worst state and kids were watching TV.  I had plans to sit with LHB in the evening to study but my mood was completely off once I looked at the situation at home. It did not help at all when LHB was saying “Appa is watching TV all day”. He did laundry but the state of home got on to my nerves instantly. I didn’t react, took hot shower, went about doing my work, took pain killers for muscle cramps and retired to bed. I was too tired to even talk. I had to clear the kitchen before cook aunty came and she also decided to give me hard time yesterday asking me to clean this, cut that et all.

And, I lost my cool today morning when I saw a bunch of wires and some more items sitting at the pooja counter top. They are there for past 4 days waiting to be sorted out by M which is driving me nuts every time I see them but I didn’t lose my temper until today morning. I don’t know if its just me but when the house is not clean it has a direct deep impact on the state of my mind and the family doesn’t seem to care about it at all. I hate to see Adi sitting amidst that clumsy environment and watch TV with a “I don’t bother” attitude. CLEANING HOME is not a one time thing or a weekend chore or just my task. IT HAS TO BE AN EVERYDAY CHORE BY EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY SAME AS HOW WE EAT 3 MEALS A DAY. I mean I understand that LHB is at this prime age to make a mess right after we clean up but can’t the rest of the clan just do cleanup after him periodically to keep the home tidy? Enough said!! (sorry about the caps. I have still not got back to my normal state yet!!)

So, today morning when I had to offer to God and pray and saw all those wires at the counter top I lost my cool and exploded. I hate to judge but I don’t care what the 3 of them did during my absence, I texted him while leaving from the friend’s place and it is an one hour drive. Couldn’t he be little considerate of me and tidy up the home and wires in that one hour? Is it a demanding ask? That one hour of his effort would have aided me to spend more quality time with kids last evening and have started this week on a happy note. I was grumpy last evening and it is continuing. I was shouting in front of Adi and I am sure all this is only painting a bad picture to her. I dread to even think in lines of the impact of this to kids. I am only getting distant with them as much as I want to be close to them. Just imagine me walking around grumpy during the limited time I get to spend with them? They are clearly not getting the best of me when I am so much pre-occupied with things like this. Sigh!!!

I wanted to work from home today as these muscle cramps didn’t get any better but given the state of home (mostly living room) I have to clean it all before I start the day.  I can’t do the cleaning with current grumpy state so I just literally dragged myself to work. Don’t know what is in store for rest of this week!!!!

It doesn’t feel good to almost end blogathon with this big rant!!!!!! I am extremely sorry folks!!!

Idli molaga podi

Second post on same day!!!! I had to write this so please excuse

Idli molaga podi aka gun powder mixed with gingly oil

Idli molaga podi smeared evenly on all sides of Idli – slurppp

Idli molaga podi smeared on dosa – slurppp

Idli molaga podi smeared on roti  – slurppp

Idli molaga podi smeared on whole wheat bread – slurppp (that’s what I am eating right now!!)

Basically Idli molaga podi mixed with gingly oil smeared on anything – slurppp

Appadiyae kuda sapidalam (you can eat it by itself too)

Oops I am on this less/no carb diet!!!!

I don’t get it. Why should God create human, why should man invent all this sinfully delicious delicacies, why should those delicacies make human put on weight why? why? why? Surprisingly these deep thinking questions surface only when I am salivating for these delicacies. Not helping at all!!!!

Since morning I am binge eating exclusively items from my “not-to-eat” list 😦 😦 Choose a bad day to work from home!!!

Eating part is almost done now the guilt is waiting around the corner to come and attack me in full force ***crying loud***

 

Dear Adi

We had a guest to our home today. In between our random chat during lunch, the guest asked you “With whom are you close? Amma or Appa?” We have come across such questions in the past when you were young and your reaction would be to make eye contact with both of us and then diplomatically say “both”. This has been you always. My sweet little diplomatic girl.

Today, your instant response was “Appa”. It was a happy sad moment for me. I did not express myself but I felt a pinch ma. I am not going to discuss about this with you but want you to read this someday, hence the post.

As it is with all my case, I can justify..

Girls naturally incline towards their Appa.

Appa does all pick up/drop off to your classes for past one year.

Appa picks you from school every evening.

Appa takes you and LHB to Costco / grocery shopping every weekend. A solid two hours spent in shopping and he buys goodies for both of you at that time.

Appa is the source of snack aka junkies. You guys pair up, do impromptu store visits and get indulged.

Appa gets your towel every morning (from downstairs to upstairs). Every single morning.

Appa gets your school bag and lunch bag from the car. Again every single evening. You just walk inside with empty hands.

You have got the bestest Appa in this world and I can’t be more proud about it. Infact, I am thankful to him for that.

But but the Amma in me felt that pinch today. I didn’t expect that coming. All these days I was assuming that we both are equal to you though I secretly wish to be one notch above Appa. Please don’t get my wrong. I am very very happy for your closeness with Appa. But I can’t stop thinking as what made you choose him over me? Just curious to know but like I promised I am not going to discuss this with you. I would to happy to listen if you read this some day and want to share with me.

What is my role in your day to day life? Making your food, packing your dabba, making you switch to pajama and brush before going to bed, shortening your screen time, following up with your work that’s due, pestering you to practice pattu/piano, giving gyan every now and then about healthy eating. In short all boring and restricting side of your life relies on Amma.

Will I bring your towel upstairs every morning? Will I bring your bags from car? NO I can’t do that. Instead I will give a gyan on how you should do your own work yaada yaada. If this is what I should do to win your closeness then I am sorry kannamma I can’t do that. Just can’t. I don’t know if this is just me or its the same with other mother’s too!!

I understand that there has to be a balance and both Appa and Amma can’t be the same. I let Appa indulge both of you but the price I am paying for that is very high for a person like me kannamma.

Love,
An emotionally weak Amma

 

 

Fitbit challenge

**self damage alert**

So, I was invited to a workweek challenge in Fitbit by a friend last week. In turn, I invited M and another friend. The challenge was active from Monday morning till Friday midnight.

How did I fair in this challenge? In short, my whole week steps was equal to M’s Friday steps. Look at the numbers yourself. Not to mention, the last that is “You” is yours truly and the first is M. M was very proud last night as no matter how they see the status our family is the first. That made me feel better too 🙂 See I told you fitness or staying active is not my thing. I prefer to crawl up in one corner of my living room couch with my favorite things around (masala chai, book, phone, laptop, TV remote). I am not too demanding you know!!

Mr.R gave tough fight to M being active since 6pm last evening and M had to walk non stop for the last hour that is from 11pm to 12am to keep up the first position. I joined him too. It was a completely different and pleasant experience to walk at that odd hour that too just the two of us talking random which is very rare. To my surprise, the community was quite active. We saw lights on at most of the houses and cars were on the move.

Will I join this challenge again? May be only if M also joins and he takes me for that walk!!! I told you already that I am not too demanding!!!

screenshot_20170121-093830

 

Gym buddy

I have a gym buddy since last month and she is the secret of success behind all my recent frequent gym visits. We send quick text before going to bed everyday about the plan for next day.  It is weird. I feel happy on days when she says “Let’s skip it tomorrow Ani” as I can cuddle for an extra hour with the kids and I feel happier on days she is on to hit the gym at 515am. I know right? That’s the kind of love hate relationship I have with the gym. I am neither a gym person nor a morning person naturally and it takes a lot to push myself to get out of bed at that unearthly hour. My buddy is that push.

That awesome burn and sweat after workout is priceless. It is a win win situation as we also talk nineteenth to a dozen during workout side by side. On certain days we choose to catch up on a movie and workout at media room. Sauna is reserved for weekend. We try to go at least 4 days in a week. I love this new routine.

Why am I writing about all this today? Because in spite of all that love for new routine, I failed her today morning. For the first time in last one month I gave in to the laziness and ditched her. I know I can justify myself – too much work on weekend, didn’t get enough sleep, it was raining outside anything but no I am not going to do that.  Nothing can match making someone wake up so early and wait for you only to not show up. I am sorry buddy. I will try my best to not repeat this again!!

See ya tomorrow morning at 5:05am at your doorstep 🙂

Goosebumps guaranteed

Sharing two incidents from last year that are goosebumps guaranteed

One evening I visit my neighbor after many months to ask for something and during that 5 mins stay I get a random call on my phone. The call was from nearby elementary school principal to enquire about this neighbor. Apparently she gave me as reference for a job at that school and forgot to inform me. I was able to give honest feedback after knowing the context from neighbor by sign language while I was still on call. Is this called timing or luck or coincidence? I had goosebumps and it took me few days to get this out of my mind!!

I purchased two hair clips with fake rose from a store and showed it to my cooking aunty. The roses looked so real and instantly with no prior thinking I gave one of that hair clip to the aunty. I didn’t have any intention to give but that moment I went with my instinct and gave it to her. It is only after that she said that day was her 40th anniversary. A timely gift however small it is brings in so much happiness and joy. I was elated.

I have said this before too. I am a sucker for such small joyful, cheerful unexpected moments in everyday life. Is it tough to make someone smile genuinely? That smile is contagious, even the air around smiles broad, makes the environment light and reassures that life is worth living. Being happy is not that difficult after all. It is worth giving a try!!!